"I am never going back." That is the first thing I told John, my mentor, when I returned from my one year assignment. I had been so excited for this. Bringing the Gospel in a country closed to Christians. I had trained for a long time, learned the language and culture, developed a network of supporters... Many people had invested in me. I knew I was letting all of them down.

It is not that I failed. I had excelled. It was as though this ministry had been built for someone like me: business-savvy, autonomous and able to network quickly. I knew evangelism would be extremely difficult and that I should not expect fruits early on. But still, I had built relationships, had good discussions and was looking to develop programs to answer real needs. Ministry-wise, I was very happy. Still, I left without looking back.

It's the loneliness that got to me. I had spent long stretches by myself before, and I thought I was cut out for this. A year is a long time, though. I had only surface-level relationships. The time difference with my family and friends in Canada prevented regular calls. And as a single guy, it is not like I had someone to speak to at home.

But still, the conviction that God wanted me there remained strong in my heart. I was torn. Would God ask me to sacrifice my mental health? I felt like a child who had no words for his own sadness. Solitude felt like a crushing weight on my chest. I was gasping for air. At the same time, I needed to cry out loud, and yell in rage.

Then John said: "Even if you wanted to, we wouldn't let you return. It's okay. God's plan does not depend on you." Debriefing helped me see the good and the bad of the last year. I had room to stop, breathe and discern what God was asking of me. I had people willing to sit with me, listen to me, pray with me and help me figure out what came next.

The process improved my understanding of my strengths and weaknesses. I was able to close the door on one thing and look further down the road. Other assignments would suit me better, when I'm ready. And other people would be able to build on the ministry I had started. I could finally pray, read the Bible and worship Jesus with a clear conscience.

I am grateful that people I may never meet invest in missionary care. I got back on my feet because of it. I am still figuring things out. But if I had to bet on it, I'd say that in a few years, you'll find me somewhere in one of those countries where people don't know about Jesus. And I will still have this team supporting me.